


The Maleficar

by Gabus



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Blood Magic, Dragon Age Quest: A Paragon of Her Kind, Drama & Romance, F/F, MAJOR SPOILERS FROM THE A PARAGON OF HER KIND QUEST LINE, Spoilers Alert, THERE'S SPOILERS FROM SOME OF THE MAIN QUESTS MOSTLY THE LAST ONES
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 08:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9876518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabus/pseuds/Gabus
Summary: The Warden struggles with having to hide her Blood Magic from Wynne, an older mage she admires, knowing that telling her (or others) could cause great turmoil.





	

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my native language so I apologize for any weird sentences. I'm also sorry if the language doesn't sound "medieval" enough.  
> I found this sitting around in my dropbox and it's been two years or so since I wrote it, I made some minor changes (since my english improved since then) but the story is still the same. I wrote this before playing Dragon Age 2.  
> The Warden's name and appearence is never mentioned, feel free to picture her as you wish.

As a mage and a woman, I had a tendency to look up to other female mages. Morrigan was someone I couldn’t help but admire. Although rather cold sometimes (well, most of the time), she was a cool and powerful woman. I mean, her shapeshifting itself was something I didn’t even know it was possible. The daughter of the witch of the wilds sure could remind you of a witch... A very cool one.

Then, there’s Wynne. Kind and smart, not to mention a prodigy who could master creation magic. A _spirit healer_. Many apprentices looked up to her and, while we weren’t close during my days at the circle, now that she’s traveling with us I can see why people admire her, I do as well.

Wynne was someone I asked for advice sometimes, it’s true that Morrigan was a powerful mage, but she grew up in the kolcari wilds with her… _weird_ mother. While I really enjoyed talking to her, I could relate to Wynne the most, since we are both from the circle.

“Wynne, can I know something about the circle?” We were chatting at camp during the night, so I asked.

“Of course, what’s on your mind?”

After I opened my mouth to start, I paused, I changing my mind.  “...No, never mind. Sorry to bother you.”

“It’s no trouble. But you can ask me anything.” She probably knew I had something I wanted to ask, but decided to not press the matter.

“Thank you, Wynne.”

Did she want to wait until I decided to talk about it? As expected of a... Mature person.

I decided to go back to my tent so; I wished her good night and went inside. In the side, I kept a bag with some of my personal belongings. I grabbed it and opened the bag, taking out an old book. There was nothing written in the dirty cover, it was a blue, old book filled with notes, that’s all. Except in its contents had... Studies on blood magic. Very detailed ones at that.

I happened to find it at the circle tower while looking for Morrigan’s, no, Flemeth’s _fake_ grimoire. _‘No, I knew it was there. I saw it a while before I first left the circle with Duncan_.’ I let out a sigh, finding myself making excuses. How immature of me, I shouldn’t let this side out, the side that looks for excuses for my actions.

Anyhow— there were abominations and blood mages everywhere, I didn’t have spare time to waste so I took it with me in the hurry, without thinking much about it beforehand. The reason for that was... I remembered Jowan. My friend who told me that he found some books on blood magic and decided to study it to become stronger. Which was stupid, who studies blood magic at the CIRCLE OF MAGI? A place full of Templars that will be happy to kill a mage anytime, especially when we give them a reason to do so. ** _In addition,_** there is our first enchanter, who cannot be fooled easily and won’t hesitate to do the “right thing”, it _seems_.

When Jowan decided to run away with that Lily girl, I tried to help them... And got in trouble for helping a blood mage escape. I only escaped without punishment because Duncan came along and recruited me into the Grey Wardens. All I wanted was to help Jowan.

A blood mage.

A maleficar.

A friend.

“ _Why did the circle have books on blood magic_?” Was what I wanted to ask Wynne before. But I didn’t. I didn’t ask.

I didn’t tell _anyone_ about this book, I just took it with me while the others weren’t looking. ‘ _What a thief I am… Oh, well.’_ Morrigan probably doesn’t even care (is she interested in blood magic? I don’t know). I’m sure Sten doesn’t care either, Shale... Definitely doesn’t care, Golems don’t have blood, for starters. Zevran probably doesn’t either. Alistair was being trained to be a Templar before being saved (as he said) by Duncan so, as much as we are friends (and I hit on him once or twice in the past), I’m not telling him I have a book about blood magic. Leliana used to live in a chantry and, is very devoted to the maker... I don’t _want_ her to find out (I really don’t want to be hated by her, of all people).

As for Wynne—

She... Won’t like it. _For sure._ She didn’t like Morrigan because of her attitude but, from the start, she didn’t like an apostate mage, it seemed. How much would she hate someone who reads books about _blood magic_?

Even so, before I realized it, I was reading it’s contents, coming into contact with the information and learning new things about magic. I didn’t learn it from a demon and yet it didn’t feel any different. Well, except with the deals part, the book didn’t ask for anything in return, so far. And, I’m not an abomination either, which is… nice.

Jowan wanted to be stronger, so he learned this. I wanted to understand my friend, so I picked this up, I’m _confident_ in my skills, I’m not power hungry. That much, I know for sure. But, I want to understand Jowan.

I caught myself making excuses again. The truth is—I’m just curious. Or maybe I just want to go against the circle and the chantry. An act of rebellion? Self-satisfaction?

I don’t know. 

* * *

It happened when we finally reached Orzammar.

We met a most-of-the-time-drunk dwarf named Oghren, who wanted to look for his wife Branka, who was somewhere in the deep roads (hopefully). Since the candidate for king that we decided to side with (we just wanted help to slain the archdemon but everyone is in a mess...) wants the paragon Branka to side with him, our goals were the same (somehow).

“Five people is too much.” I noted as we prepared to leave, we can’t travel in a big group all the time, so it was decided that four was enough.

“Indeed, it’s better if one of us stays.” Leliana agreed with me.

“I am going.” Shale declared, not seeming as if they would change their mind.

“Yes, you are.” Shale was strong so it was a great addition to us. That and, Branka was researching about the Golems and the Anvil so, there are probably other Golems there. Oghren would come regardless of what I said, so I crossed him out of the list without even turning to look at him. “Then...” I thought for a while, and then looked at Wynne. She was our healer, the Spirit Healer prodigy. She was also an experienced person I looked for when I wanted advice. However, right now, I was their leader, not a child idolizing someone older. “Wynne, can you stay here?”

She chuckled. “Getting rid of the sack of bones, I see.”

“What? N-No! I didn’t—“

“I know, I know. I was just kidding a little.” She was smiling, or maybe grinning would be the correct term.

I sighed in relief “I see.”

“Hey! Warden! Can you hurry up? We aren’t here to chit chat, let’s hurry and find Branka!” Oghren complained about the delay, sounding impatient. I didn’t turn to him but I nodded my head.

“He’s right, you should hurry. But do take care.” Wynne smiled “I’ll wait here.”

“Ok, we’ll see you later, Wynne.” I agreed and brought the rest of the group to the deep roads.  “Ugh... As _expected_ , it’s full of darkspaw.” I murmured, while killing the last darkspawn of the large group that attacked us. That wasn’t the first group and not even close to being the last. That, I can affirm with confidence.

“So many things to squish...” Shale said, as they punched a Genlock away, making it crash against the wall of stones, the sound of bones breaking and rocks falling on top of the now limp body.

“Shale, that’s not squishing...” Though I said that, I was ignored, I didn’t care either way.

As a mage in a robe, I stayed at the back with Leliana, our archer, while Shale and Oghren fought in the front lines. I used my elemental spells to kill our enemies while focusing on avoiding hitting my allies. That was my forte after all. Aside from a few entropy spells I learned, primal magic was my strong point (I have always been awful with creation spells). Primal magic spells, entropy magic spells. Those were my best abilities. The ones I used when Wynne was around. She saw me as the hope for the circle, a mage gray warden fighting the Blight. She even said my skills were amazing, even though _she_ was the amazing one.

Because I got distracted by my own thoughts, I didn’t realize a Hurlock approaching, swinging it’s blade at me. After the realization hit me I stopped the darkspawn in time, freezing it’s body. “Ah..!” I backed away, noticing my stupidity. The circle called me a ‘promising’ apprentice and _that’s_ how I act in battle? I get distracted like a kid? What sort of leader am I? I wanted to degrade myself a bit more but decided to be an adult and turn my full attention on what was _happening_ and not what _happened_.

“Oh maker! Are you okay?” Leliana turned her sight to me, still in position. She seemed so worried about me that I remembered the most important thing. I can’t die here, I’m practically the one representing the grey wardens from Ferelden, if I had to die, it had to be fighting the Archdemon. I might not be Oghren’s or Shale’s leader, but I’m still the one taking the lead right now.

“I’m okay! Don’t worry about me!” I raised my voice a little so she could hear me clearly, sounding my most firm, as I hurried and used a stone spell to shatter the enemy in front of me.

Once we finished with that group and were able to continue forward once again, Oghren spoke. “Hey warden, don’t get distracted! …Heh, are you drunk too?”

“Of course I’m not. You aren’t either... Right?”

“Hah! Can’t promise that.”

I stared at him in silence for a few seconds, and then sighed. I knew he wasn’t. Probably. Either way, I knew he was just checking if the ‘sodding’ human who said she would rescue his wife wasn’t playing around in battle. “Either way, I won’t get distracted again.” I didn’t say that I was sorry about before. I didn’t want to sound _passive_ so I kept the firm tone. Leliana looked at me like she had something to say, worried, I bet. My firm expression softened as I turned fully to Leliana and smiled to assure her. “That was my mistake, it won’t happen again.”

“I see. Good.” The lovely smile returned to her face “Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help, I’ll come to your aid _anytime_.” That ‘lovely smile’ turned into a grin.

“I’ll definitely not ask for help at the deep roads. Grey Warden pride or something. But, hm, I don’t hate the idea of you _coming_ to me, thinking about it.” I joked, smirking at her and winking. I didn’t look as smooth as I hoped, but that was something, I guess.

“Can the two squishy things stop the flirting and keep going foward? I might squish it and it’s partner.” Shale complained.

“…Oh, right, sorry.” I turned away from my ‘partner’ awkwardly, hearing her giggle oh-so-cutely, as I took the front again to lead the group _deeper_ into the deep roads. After finding Branka’s journal we had the lead we needed to find her so we left in direction to the Dead Trenches, a part of the deep roads even more infested with darkspawn than the ones we’ve been so far. Of course, what we found there was even more darkspawn.

Couldn’t really forget about the special encounter of the week, the Archdemon itself. Although it didn’t seem to notice us, we saw it in it’s all glory—just like in my dream. Honestly, it was terrifying, yet thrilling at the same time. What a complicated feeling.

The blight had never seen so real until then, and it was _already_ real from the very start

We also met some dwarfs from the Legion of the Dead, who helped us fight the darkspawn, although it was more like an everyday thing for them instead of something out of kindness or the sort. “Legion of the dead, huh. They sure have it rough.” I said, mostly to myself, while looking at some old notes I found at the thaigs of the deep roads.

“Instead of reading old papers it finds, it should just focus on finding the dwarf.” Shale’s voice took my attention away from the old papers, making me look up to meet their glare.

“I know, I know. Sorry, just trying to find more leads about Branka.”

“You are just _curious_.” Leliana giggled in a low voice that only I heard. “I didn’t know any tales about them; I might want to know more, too.” I was going to say something about the “curious” part, but sensed more darkspawn coming towards us.

“Darkspawn! In positions!” I commanded in a firm tone, watching as the others prepared for the attack that came soon enough.

Among the Genlocks and Hurlocks that appeared, there were two Ogres. Great. Ogres of all things. I tried to maintain a good distance from the enemies as I attacked the Ogres with magic. Of course, I couldn’t use magic that affected the area, Oghren and Shale were _too_ close to them. I changed my focus to their archers, sending them a blizzard storm after a fireball.

Hurlocks approached us and Leliana switched to her Daggers. Running towards one and, after skillfully dodging a blow from its sword, slashed it’s throat. No time to droll over her (so sweet and yet, so deadly), I hurried and killed the others who were approaching with lightning, then freezing still the ones that survived the shock, shattering them with stone, to make sure they died.

I saw Oghren jumping at one of the Ogres, finishing it with his Axe, most likely opening up it’s face in a half... Though I couldn’t see it with details, _thanks to the maker_. Leliana still had her sword  & dagger, helping kill the rest of the enemies while I kept my distance from them, killing the darkspawn with my spells, taking the ranged role on my own. The other Ogre soon fell as well, by Shale’s hands. “Good.” I murmured to myself, the bigger threats were dead. Now we just had to kill the remaining Darkspawn. I was relieved, but it didn’t last long. Suddenly, Shrieks that were hiding in the shadows attacked us while we were almost finishing up.

I heard Leliana groan so I hurriedly looked over at her, who was still taking the role of dual handed fighter. Shrieks attacked her from behind, the creatures known as the assassins among the darkspawn. Because of the wound in her back, she fell on one knee. The enemy was ready to struck her dead soon after.

“NO!” I yelled. I had to stop them from moving on the spot, I had to stop it somehow but... I just used my ice and petrify spells, I had no time to wait for energy to use them again! Without thinking, I used it. I grabbed a dagger belonged to a dead enemy near me and cut open my own hand, making my blood spill from the wound I made myself.

‘Blood wound.’

The name of one of the spells I learned from those notes.

As I used it, the affected Shrieks agonized without being able to move, giving me time to cast lighting on them, and for Oghren, who had sprinted towards them, to finish them soon after. The ones who attacked Shale were already dead, ‘squished’ on the ground. The enemies were all fallen. This one battle was over.

“Good one, Warden!” Said the dwarf who didn’t seem to care about the “own hand cutting” part. Did he even know about blood magic? Probably not, probably doesn’t care either way, whatever got the job done, apparently. I expected so, I guess.

“If it could do that, it should have done so earlier.” Shale said, still referring to me as “it”. However, I didn’t have time to answer any of them, I just hurried to Leliana, dreadfully worried.

“Leliana! Are you okay? Your wound...!” Although I ran to her and got on my knee, I couldn’t touch her, my hand stopped in the middle of reaching out to her. I looked at my wounded hand, then at Leliana. _I couldn’t  touch her_. Even if she accepted her past as an ‘Orlesian’ bard, even if she accepted the thrill of killing her enemies, her belief in the maker didn’t change.

“I’m...okay.” She replied to me after a moment of silence, I could tell she was in pain from her wavering voice. Or… or maybe it wasn’t _exactly_ the pain, I couldn’t tell, I couldn’t analyze it either, I was too worried about her back “It’s not a deep wound, I won’t die from it.”

“B-But still...! W-We need Wynne! Let’s go back!” I panicked, which was a problem, but I could’t think about anything else. Only Leliana mattered to me right now.

What a mistake as a leader – as a _Grey Warden_.

“Stop yelling. It has materials used to patch squishy thing’s wounds. You are all so weak.”

“I-Injury kits!” I hurried and looked in our bag, dirtying some objects with blood, my blood, but paying no attention to it. I grabbed the sack and, for a while, completely forgot about using blood magic in front of Leliana. Once I’m finished, Leliana’s wound is fully treated.

“How do you feel?” I ask, worry and anxiety still in my voice… I couldn’t hide it. Not now.

“We _really_ don’t have time for this.” Oghren complained, frowning, but I ignored him.

“I’m alright, let’s keep going, we can’t stop now. I can still fight.” She didn’t seem to be just saying that to assure me, she was serious – I could tell by her voice _and_ expression, so I believed in her words.

“Okay then.” She didn’t say, “I’ll no longer follow you” or attacked me, so we needed to keep going like this. Our objective was to find Paragon Branka. I had to keep my feelings—my _anxiety_ to myself… No, I had to kill it, forget about this and _focus_.

We kept moving deeper into the darkspawn-infested roads, until we found Branka, who trapped us inside Callanhad’s thaig and forced us to look for the anvil of the void for her. Oghren didn’t really seem to have given up on his wife, even after finding out about the terrible things she did to the dwarfs from her own house, even using her lover and leaving her in that terrible state. Even if she turned the women into broodmothers to study darkspawn. Even if she sacrificed everyone else – he still wanted to side with her.

Love, huh. I wondered if I was loved like _that_ too. Would the one I love want to stay by my side, even if I do something wrong? Did I have the _right_ to hope for that?

Either way, I didn’t love Branka, I couldn’t side with her if I didn’t agree with her thinking. Besides, she was… _weird_ in the head. She wanted the Anvil to make more Golems – To deceive people, make they think they can go back to how they were after turning into Golems, becoming a weapon controlled by others with a rod. Shale sided with Callanhad, and so did I. In the end, Oghren didn’t fight us. He didn’t agree with her, we knew that from the start. Branka died fighting us and the Anvil was destroyed for good. Oghren seemed **_very_** unhappy, she was his wife after all, but didn’t antagonize us either. I’m sure he would want her back if he could, but it didn’t happen like that.

Callanhad gave us a crown and told me to give it to the new ruler of Orzammar. Meaning I was just going to give it to whoever I wanted to side with. The task to decide the ruler of a kingdom I’m not from was given to me. I sighed. Oghren just said he doesn’t care and I’m sure the others just want this solved soon so we can get the dwarf’s help. I just decided to stay in the side I already was from the start.

We went back to Wynne, who still waited for us and asked her to heal Leliana’s wound. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t look at either one of them.

Wynne... If I tell her about this… she won’t stay with us, will she...?

“Are you worried about Leliana? She will be fine now.” The healer smiled gently, to reassure me. I trusted Wynne’s skills, I knew Leliana would be fine if Wynne used her magic. Besides, she had been fighting until now, she wasn’t in a critical condition. I was worried about Leliana but having Wynne reassured me that she was going to be totally fine.

That wasn’t the problem.

“I’ll... I have to go to the assembly. We need to end this succession problem as soon as possible. We saw the archdemon.”

“You saw the archdemon?” Wynne’s calm expression changed in shock and then it stiffened with worry “I see... You are right, we need to gather the troops as soon as possible so we can head to Denerim.”

“Yes.” I wasn’t lying; we really needed to hurry. I’m sure we will have yet more problems once we reach Denerim for the landsmeet so, the sooner we get the dwarves’ assistance, the sooner we solve our political problems so we can finally prepare for the archdemon’s attack. However... I also didn’t want to be around Wynne now, not while feeling like this. “I’ll leave for the crystal quarters now.”

“I’ll go too.” Oghren said, sounding more moody than usual, still thinking about his wife, I believe “I’ll follow you from now on, there’s nothing left for me to do here.”

“Okay then, you are free to come with us; we need all the help we can get.” I left Leliana, who didn’t say anything after we left the deep roads, and Wynne, to go to the assembly and give the crown to the new King of Orzammar. Once the new King was decided, the dwarven kingdom promised support from Orzammar against the Blight, so we could finally leave Orzammar to talk with Arl Eamon about the Landsmeet.

As he said, Oghren left with us, becoming a surface dwarf. We got a new companion to help us along with the dwarven troops, things were finally looking good, and we just needed to defeat Loghain at the Landsmeet… as soon as possible.

Although I was supposed to feel a little more confident, I wasn’t feeling good at all.

After we left for Denerim, we stayed at the Arl’s state and I slept in a bed after a LONG time. Since we were in a hurry ever since we left Orzammar I didn’t have time to talk with either Leliana or Wynne, which was good for me... Even though I normally loved talking to them.

But when I arrived in my room the second day after arriving in Denerim and walked towards the bed, Leliana knocked on my door and called my name, making me freeze. “It’s me, can I go in?”

“...Of course.” I answered her a few seconds late, not facing the door. “Please come in.” After I’ve given her my okay she opened the door. I waited a few seconds to turn towards my loved one.

“Good evening.” She... Smiled. Calmly, as if nothing was wrong at all, as if we— _I_ wasn’t avoiding her for a few days now.

“G-Good evening.” Her smile was surprising, confusing, and my voiced failed me.

“You don’t have to worry, I’m not here to fight you.” Leliana said closing the door, her voice without any tone change from the usual, as if she wasn’t mentioning the possibility of us fighting, “I won’t _attack_ you either.” The word ‘attack’ had a weird tone to it, I paused and stared at her face blankly. But she just said—

...Oh.

Ohh!

“I-I didn’t think you would—“

“I knew you wouldn’t.” She sounded like she was making fun of me or maybe not very proud for me being slow again. Uhh, I’m still sorry about the _journal_ _incident_...

Suddenly, she turned serious. I knew what she wanted to discuss. I froze again and my face cringed. I have been hiding my emotions ever since the incident a few days ago but now, my face was showing everything. It was hard – hiding my feelings from Leliana when we were alone, when it was just _us_ , not a Gray Warden and her companion.

“Leliana, listen, I—“, I hurried, with clear panic in my voice.

“I won’t leave you.” She started, making me stop the apology I was going to give. “Not… _before_ I hear what you have to say, at least. I don’t know how you learned that but...”

“...A book I found at the circle.” I stopped her to explain right away, I didn’t want her to think I made a deal with some demon, especially after the incident with the Arl’s son, who is no longer possessed by a desire demon.

“...Why would—“

“I don’t know.” Once again, I stopped her, before she could finish, answering. “It was during the abomination incident at the circle so everything was a mess...”

“I see... Why did you pick it up?” she asked, I couldn’t read her emotions right now.

“I had a friend who turned into a blood mage, it was Jowan, the mage we met at the Arl’s castle. The one I… freed,” I paused for a while, then continued, less emotion in my voice now, “I remembered about him when I saw it. I didn’t know he was a blood mage and tried to help him run away from the circle with his lover... A chantry initiate. When we met at the Arl’s state in Redcliff, he said he found some notes about blood magic and wanted to become stronger because he wasn’t confident about his harrowing... It’s our test to become full-fledged mages, by the way.” I talked to her about Jowan, about how I wanted to know more about the power he wanted. How I picked up the very thing that sealed his fate and studied it _myself_. “When I thought you were going to be killed I panicked and used it. That was the only spell I could use to stop them at the time.”

“...I see.” Leliana was listening to me silently so far, paying attention to what I was telling her. “That’s a first, no?” She chuckled, the tension in the air lifting… a little. The sudden change confused me. “Normally it’s me who talks without stopping while you listen.” She says, smiling.

My stiff expression softened a little, at the sudden comment, “I like to listen to your stories. I always did. I lived inside the circle all my life before the Wardens recruited me. All I did was study about magic and the chantry but I knew little about the outside world. I like your tales. About Orlesian female warriors, about the witch Flemeth...” _Even though Morrigan also told me Flemeth’s version of it_ , I thought.

Leliana’s smile turned… warmer and she didn’t say anything for a short while. “You always listened to my stories, you believed in my vision, you helped me confront Marjolene and told me to accept my past and who I am. You accepted me and loved me. I love you, too, more than anyone else.”

“Leliana...” I could feel deep affection from her tone, no longer hiding the emotions in her voice. She didn’t look at me as if I were a monster, no, that dear person’s stare showed how she truly meant every word that went out of her mouth. “So, will you _accept_ me as well?”

“Yes, I’ll.” Her voice did not wave, no hesitation in her tone, only determination. She _decided_ to accept me and it didn’t seem like she was willing to change her mind “Just... Don’t use it too much, it’s bad for you too, right?” Leliana didn’t seem to like it at _all_ but... She wasn’t looking at me as a _blood mage_. She was looking at me as someone she loved, who did something she didn’t agree on, but loved nonetheless “Thank you for saving my life at the deep roads.” She truly meant that as well, I’m sure.

“Thank you, Leliana…” I felt tears waiting to come out, but I stopped them, holding them back and smiled at her, “I can’t promise that I won’t use it if someone is in danger but... I won’t use it if it’s not an emergency. I’ll _never_ hurt an ally or steal someone’s… _life_ for power. I **promise**.”

“I know. I trust you.” Her trust made me incredibly happy and any anxieties I had for the past days instantly disappeared from my mind, as if they were never there in the first place. “Don’t let people see you using it, it might be dangerous and you are quite… famous.”

“I know.” Naturally, I would get in ‘trouble’. As a Grey Warden, I can’t worsen our image or get even more of a criminal image for _myself_. Not now of all times. I opened my mouth again after a long pause, after a moment of just staring at each other in silence, of looking at that loved woman who was standing in front of me. Who put all of her trust on me, regardless of who I am. No, _because_ of who _I_ am. “Leliana, I... I love you. I love you so much. I’m so glad you didn’t stop loving me.”

“I won’t stop loving you because of this. You wouldn’t lie to me about this, I believe in you. Besides, you saved me.”

With _forbidden_ magic. She didn’t say it but we were both aware of that fact.

However, I didn’t voice that though. I did  ** _not_**  feel any regret for using it that day. It saved the life of someone extremely precious to me, I still had my morals but having her here made me _thankful_ for knowing those spells.

“Don’t... Don’t tell Wynne, okay?” I hesitated a little before bringing that up, my anxieties coming back to me. Can’t get rid of it _this_ easily, huh?

“I thought you would ask me that. I won’t.”

“Thank you, Leliana.”

“Your welcome.” She stopped, looking at the room, turning her face to my bed and then back at me “Now, since I’m already here... May I attack you?” Her smile turned mischievous.

“What?! ...Ah. Ahhh! That’s, uh, sure. You may.” I panicked a little, the sudden change of atmosphere catching me off guard. I thought I sounded _unappealing_ but, in the end, I just made Leliana giggle softly before she hugged me gently. I felt myself relax in her warm embrace.

“You had this on your mind during all this time, no? Not to mention having to face the problems here too. _I will relieve your stress_.” She whispered in my ear, in a very _appealing_ way. I could feel her breath on my skin, her soft lips almost touching my ear. My initial awkwardness disappearing as I felt calm in her arms. This was _always_ nice, always calmed me down. Made me forget, for a few minutes, that the fate of this land was in our hands, I had no responsibilities or problems to solve. Only me and Leliana, touching and kissing each other passionately, feeling each other’s warmth and skin. It is when I can be at peace. I hugged her close, a calm, happy smile showing up on my lips.

“Please do.”

* * *

 After listening to Queen Anora’s maid and deciding to go save her ‘highness’ from Howe, I started preparing to leave for the Arl of Denerim’s state, were she’s staying (apparently), already considering who I should take with me. Leliana was a given, if we were going to an estate then maybe Shale might not be… sneaky enough. My Mabari might not be a good choice either. Then maybe Alistair and Morrigan? Humans shouldn’t bring any sort of _special_ attention if that was the problem…

That was when Wynne approached me. “Your hand is wounded, isn’t it? There was no opportunity for me to heal it for you.” She approached as I walked towards the main hall to talk with our companions and caught me off guard.

“Oh. Uhh...” I looked down at my wounded hand. Not completely healed but better after a few days passed, the cut wasn’t deep by any means. I ended up forgetting about it. All it had was some cloth tied around it, I did take care of it on my own and thus, it’s slowly healing. I raised my face from my hand and looked at her eyes.

How painful it felt. “I... Messed up at the deep roads.” I had guilt in my voice. Not because I used blood magic but because I was lying to Wynne about it. “Some Darkspawn got too close and I almost got… _slashed_.”

“I see. You are lucky that it’s just a wound in your hand.” She smiled at me, I wondered if she even believed me, but either way she didn’t question it and changed to a… _scolding_ tone. Which honestly, was a relief “You should’ve been more careful, you might get killed next time.”

“I know, sorry.” I really meant it, I truly did.

“Just keep that in mind. Now, let me heal your hand.” She raised her hand, gesturing for me to give her mine. She didn’t sound imposing, but still had the power to make me feel like the natural course of action would be listening to her. Still, that didn’t change my urge to refuse.

“What? I-It’s just a small cut...”

“Even a small wound can turn into a problem, let me help you.” Her voice stayed in that same tone, as if she was lecturing a child.

Once again, I looked down at my hand and the cloth tied to it. It would be weird if I didn’t let her do something like this, it’s not a deep cut but, getting a spirit healer to care for a wound is a pretty good deal. People normally wouldn’t refuse it without a proper reason. Still, my stomach dropped at her wish to help me, at the fact that she came after me because she was worried about it, even though it was just a small wound “Okay, thank you, Wynne.”

“It’s no trouble.” Wynne’s smile returned, satisfied that I was letting her help. I handed her my hand looking away as she casted a healing spell on me. I felt it as my wound closed and any small pain or discomfort it might cause disappear. The _discomfort_ I was feeling wasn’t physical, but even though the cut was healing, I felt awful. The guilt was just too heavy. “There, it’s gone.”

“...Your magic really is great, Wynne.” I noticed the somehow distant tone to my voice, retrieving my hand and untying the cloth, seeing that there was no longer any wound in it. The wound I made _myself_ was no longer there. Although I talked to her, my stare didn’t leave my hand.

“Your magic is great as well.” She was praising me but I felt as if a dagger stabbed my chest, “Magic is a gift, if you know how to use it.” Another stab, but I knew she didn’t mean to make me feel bad, she didn’t try to make me feel guilty, but she did. That was the problem, that’s why it hurt.

“Thank you. I hope I use my magic in the right way.” I... In the end, I’m glad I saved Leliana. I never felt regret, I only felt guilt. For _lying_ to Wynne, not using blood magic to save a loved one. For doing something she could never accept… and hiding it from her, to keep her from deciding to leave our group. To keep her with us.

‘ _I don’t regret learning it._ ’

I finally raised my head to back at Wynne. It would be great if she never saw me using it, _ever_.

“That’s up to you. But I trust that you will.” Unlike the trust that Leliana placed in me, Wynne’s trust left a bitter taste in my mouth. As I knew already, she had high hopes in me.

Any kind of guilt in my _voice_ already faded by now and my expression turned calm and serene, as _if_ I was truly happy to know that “I’m glad to know that you trust me, Wynne.”

**Author's Note:**

> I like to think that Leliana could accept Amell even if she found out about the Blood Magic, since she stays with you even if you defile Andraste's ashes (providing you have enough intimidation and coercion, but still). She dissaproves of it and is very mad at you, but doesn't leave you or end the romance.  
> Also, I know that you need to make a deal with the desire demon to unlock the Blood Mage specialization. I got it in a different playthrough so that didn't happen in my Amell's storyline and I came up with something else.


End file.
